My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship. As a matter of fact, we’ve been long-distance since day one. It’s been four years now and with each new chapter of our lives, our relationship evolves with it. When we first met, we lived in two different cities. It was hard but at the end of the day if we really wanted to hangout we were only a two-hour drive away. Now, I'm a flight attendant so my schedule is wild and his is too. But hey, love conquers all!
We’ve come a long way from the immature kids we were when we first met, thankfully! And I think we've learned a lot as our relationship has grown. I'm sharing some advice on key aspects of a successful healthy long-distance relationship. I'm not talking about the obvious stuff like "talk on Facetime every night" and "don't go to bed angry". Let's be real, you all know that so I'm not going to waste your time. And the truth is that me and my man don't talk on Facetime every day and sometimes we go to bed angry and that's OK too. But here are a couple things we live by that work for us.
So here goes...
Tip #1: Be your own unique individual.
I talked about this briefly through an Instagram post but it needs to be re-iterated. I truly think the best thing you can do for your long-distance relationship is have a firm understanding of who you are aside from the relationship. Knowing yourself makes you a stronger person and you have a grip on where you stand with the crazy that life throws at both of you. Because let's be real, the ups and down of life are unavoidable.
But another reason it's important to be your own unique individual is so you're not just playing the waiting game everyday. What's the waiting game? You know when you look at your phone throughout the day waiting for a text message or phone call? Yep, we've all been there whether or not we are long-distance. It's normal in the beginning but if it's been two years and this is still an issue for you it's just not healthy.
Hopefully your boo is busy being a BOSS so that when you two are together it's no work and all play. Don't be that person playing the waiting game. Keep yourself productive and focus on your long-term goals when you aren't hanging out. That way when you two aren't long-distance anymore you've put in the work and built a foundation that your partner can just seamlessly hop on.
For instance:
I'm currently a new flight attendant which means I'm on "reserve" which is just the airline's way of saying I'm "on-call". In the beginning of your career you don't have much autonomy over your life. But that's OK because my boyfriend is busy doing his own thing right now too. So before we get married and live together, I'm setting up a foundation for our future and he is too. In a couple years, I'll have enough seniority within the company where I can be a flight attendant part-time. This means I can go full-time with my photography business. We don't know yet where we will end up but my career and business give me the ability to live anywhere. That takes the stress off of him because his line of work doesn't allow for as much flexibility. Through my job, we'll also have travel benefits for both our parents and future children. All of this requires a constant hustle. And that's OK because it works for us!
Tip #2:
Respect each other’s time.
Don't make your significant other feel guilty that they aren't giving you attention. I mean, if it's been like two or three days and you haven't heard them then that's not cool. But if you know they're in meetings, traveling on vacation with family, have deadlines they're trying to meet then cut them some slack. If you know your partner is studying for an intense exam the next day, don't expect them to talk to you forever on the phone. If you're trying to plan a time when you both can meet up in person then don't make them feel bad when they have other commitments and try to get them out of it for YOU.
The worst thing I do is when my boyfriend tries to hang up I'll whine "five more minutes pleaseeeee" and I've been doing this since we started dating. I really can't get enough of the guy! My boyfriend, God bless him, is the most patient person ever and sometimes thinks it's cute and other times it's just annoying. I've even accused him of being shady when he's been busy too and gosh all of it just makes your significant other feel BAD. They feel like they aren't being a good partner and it stresses them out more. No one deserves that except people who are actually being shady. Which to that I say, thank you, next!
But for real, this is where being your own unique individual comes in handy! Your partner too busy for you? Grab a friend and get a bite to eat. Do your own thing boo! Treat yourself when your honey can't treat you.
Tip #3:
Make each other a priority.
This one seems like a given but it’s actually harder than it sounds. I think this is a make or break in long-distance relationships.
My man ensures that I always know that I'm a priority. He will fly into a city just to see me for a couple hours and then go back the next morning. When we haven't been together on Valentine's Day he's secretly reached out to my sister, sent her a Venmo with the money, and told her my favorite food and candy to bring as a surprise. When I graduated college, he wanted to make a banner with my face on it congratulating me. I didn't want graduation pictures and he secretly got my best friend to convince me to take them. Then he surprised me on the day of graduation with my banner in the crowd.
Tip #4:
Don’t be mean.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m the worst at this. When something bothers me I tend to take it out on the people I love the most and I love my boyfriend very much. I'm not proud of myself and it's something I'm working on. But the reason this is so important is that if you've had a rough couple of days and you are consistently being negative to your significant other then you can't blame them for associating you with your moodiness. And if they can't see you in person and can't read your body language it's safe for them to assume that they are the problem. Which just leads to more problems. So watch what you say and just be nice.
Tip #5:
Listen to each other.
You know when you’re on the phone with your significant other and you KNOW that they aren’t listening to you while you’re talking? It’s not surprise that now you’re annoyed and your feelings are hurt. If they loved you why aren’t they paying attention to what you have to say? Sometimes you call them out and other times you just hold it in while abruptly getting off the phone. Well guess what, odds are you’ve probably done this to your partner at one point or the other! And it sucks being on the receiving end.
You want to be successful together and not just apart, right? Stop multi-tasking while you’re talking to your boo. Really listen to them talk about their day. Give them feedback and make real conversation. Real conversation = real connection. If you keep multi-tasking while you’re talking on the phone or Facetiming then that connections gonna die out real quick. Eventually you two will feel the animosity and that chemistry you had in person is gonna be gone. And trust me, it’s harder to keep that spark going through a screen.
There have been times where my boyfriend is really busy with tests and assignments. I’m not going to expect him to talk to me for hours during the week obviously. But I use this handy dandy skill called “communication”. I just ask him to talk to me for ten-twenty minutes and really commit that time to me. And he’s said the same thing to me when I’m stressing about meeting photography editing deadlines.
It’s basically saying “time-out” to our responsibilities and putting each other first, even if the only thing we can commit to is a couple minutes.
Anyways...
I hope you enjoyed reading this and can use the advice in your own dating life. Leave a comment with your own experience with dating long-distance (:
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